04/09/16 0

Self Comtemplation : Options.

By Aulia A. Dhianti in , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I've always been an option in many things.
Believe me, I may not be the brightest person ever, but I do have & fit some qualifications to be the right choice for many things.
I can draw things, have some skills in technologies department, quite smart for someone in my age, got accepted into one (if not the best) of the best university in country, a good listener (well, the good adviser label is still questionable so..) etc etc. Sorry for kinda bragging and getting these things up (yes, this is a slight hint of reliant and insecure self of mine) but I'm really mad now.

Like, really mad.

I had a usual rampage (lol) situation with my parent today, Everything's heated up when I finally said some-words-I-thought-would-be-so-cheesy-eventually, like "Why is everything so unfair to me???" or "Why always my sister who get all privileges???' things. My mom, coldly, answered yes, like it's a normal thing and I should really just accept the truth that my sister is more deserving this than me. She then rambling about how nice my sister was, how she finally got into the same college as I am (while I know that my sister may could never got into the college without my parent 'big' help) and blablabla. My sister has always been in the spotlight in my family. My mom would accompany her anywhere she want, giving all things she needs, willingly to take her lunch everyday to school (yes, and she's still doing this after she got into college.................) etc etc.
Yes, my mom has spoiled my sister that much. And so does my father. My dad is actually a very nice person, someone you could wish to be your father because he IS that nice. But as a good husband as he's always trying to (and to avoid any unnecessary family feud), he's on my mother side.

I do jealous sometimes and let me tell you, it's completely normal. Yes, I do want to be treated as same as my sister. But then again, my rational thinking and judgments back me up, the thought to be a nice first child came up and I'm okay again. But today is exceptional. Today is the day I finally realized that I've always been an option, even in my family.

I'm a family oriented person. I don't hesitate or even complain to go/hanging out with my family like most of my friends are. I like to spend times with them, have this irrational thoughts of worrying of 'if my family dies & i'd be so lonely' stuff, challenging my self for something I don't even know I could for my parent and so on. I've always cherish them in my life as my true gem and they're my priority instead of any kind things in this world. I love my family so much you have no idea.To know that you don't deserve to be treated like the other kid is and not really a priority like you always thought is... Really sad. I feel like I'm being betrayed by my own family.

Being an option is one of the problems I've always faced in life. Like I said before, I've never (or rarely.. Never is a strong word, anyway) been a priority/first choice/first option at many things in life. In love life, I was my ex's second choice when he's confused to chose between me and other girl (I hate this fact so much I regretted my decision to accept his love later on), I was the second option of being the head of one of division in college organisation (while I have the same qualifications as the other one and the president of this organisation, shamelessly, make a joke about this to me. Don't ask me if she's a good fit of a leader or not because I've asked the same question million times from the first time she decided to run the election). I rarely (I do have a few friends who were close to me.. A few..) be a "someone who you could tell everything" kind of friend in any circle of my life. Even in academic stuff, I usually got the second place (yes, I'm actually a very ambitious person but I refuse to admit this....) when I know I could achieve more than this place.

I'm so fed up for always being an option. I do mad, now. I really do. But what upsets me more is the fact that I feel like I'm starting to get used to be the second option and not really mad as I thought I would be about this. I know I'm very emotional right now, crying my heart out, have suicidal thoughts (yes it's true and sorry not sorry for being too drama for you) and so on, but deep down, I feel so light, okay about this and started to 'legitimize' and acknowledge my role as the second option. Oh, crap. What could be worse than this?

So basically, I'm mad for being not (so) mad. No, my rampant thoughts don't go to those who 'second-option'ize me. No. I'm mostly mad at myself. I feel like loser who finally decided to accept my role in this life as the second option, even though I've worked my ass so hard to prove they were wrong, that I have this qualifications as your first choice to my friends, partners and even family. But in the end, I lose the fight. I've just gave up. And it sucks.

I always have this Parsonian thought when I see the world and life.
Everybody has their social functions to balancing the world, even the harshest ones.
I know that being the second place/second option means you filled up the holes in social structures and make the life in balance again. Thus, making you the agent of life (and world) savior.

But once in my life, I do want to feel significant. I want to be significant in my life and the world, as all the first option always be. I want to feel what it's like to have people surround you,  have high hopes to you, just because you're their first choice of everything.. Or anything. I want to be the first priority in someone/other's lives. I want someone/body to acknowledge and choose me because I can and I'm capable of doing somethings that you want. I want to be chosen first. I want to be treated as the top priority. I want to be the first person to cross your mind and your number one solution of your problems.

I know I may sound so self-centered now but trust me, I've compromised many things in life for the sake of others. 

And I've had enough.
And I want to be wanted.
To be loved.
To be respected.
To be someone you hoped for.

Like those of your first choices would and could be.

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